Monday 23 January 2012
I suspect we all have secrets waiting to pop out in a moment of indiscretion. Vulnerability, alcohol and familiarity all lower the threshold.
Jess was dangerous when she combined drink, tears and love because her defences dissolved and she told all. The detail of her actions, the emotional script running through her head as she had acted, the feelings of distaste that were left behind. For her the guilt felt impossible to recover from because the shock on the faces of those who listened to her story seemed permanent to her.
We all have to bear the consequences of our actions of course, even Jess. But to burden others with it? Is that fair, however proportionate? Jess often thought it would be better if she could hang on to her secrets, somehow perfecting secrecy and then throwing away the key to the secret filing cabinet. I thought of it as a personal firewall protecting others from the virus of knowing which just leads to them wanting to know more and more and more.
Jess thought about the firewall concept as she looked out of the train window and for a moment she felt normal again and life seemed bearable.
© Liz Redfern
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